First blog post

Well, hell! Welcome to my food blog! Glad you could stop in!

About me:
Well, I’m not a chef, or a food artist, or whatever the fuck they call people these days that make food. I cuss like a sailor with an extended vocabulary, I’m a mom, I’m from somewhere in the Midwest, and I have to cook shit. I like to cook, I don’t use a lot of measurements, I do a lot of guess work. Well, that’s not *entirely* true, sometimes I do if I’m following someone else’s recipe. If you are looking for a fancy food blog, you won’t find it here. If you want shit that looks pretty, you can either follow my recipes and throw a sprig of parsley on it, or go to another blog. If you don’t mind that it looks like crap but tastes delicious, well then you’re probably in the right place. No frills, just food.

You also won’t find hard to get crap in my recipes, because dude, I shop at Meijer or Walmart, or the local chain. The fanciest of things I use occasionally is Old Bay Seasoning. People on the east coast of the US are probably familiar with it. That shit is fire! Fuck yeah!

Anyway, I hope my recipes bring you fun, and a few giggles, because I’m all about that shit. Ain’t no Martha Stewart shit around here.

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Happenstance Broccoli Cheese Soup, Why the Fuck Not?

Sometimes happy accidents happen when you least fucking expect it. This ‘recipe’ is not an exception!
For dinner this evening, I intended to create cheesy broccoli to have as a side. WELL, it didn’t work out that way, BUT I wouldn’t have had it any other way!
I was using frozen broccoli, a handful of shredded cheddar, and I began to pour milk over it like I was having a bowl of cereal. I didn’t want to waste the milk, so I added a little extra cheese. I threw it in the microwave, and kept stirring it about once a minute, until I realized the shredded cheddar wasn’t going to be enough – so I added in two torn-up slices of kraft cheese slices. Microwaved it another 1:30 minutes and stirred again. At this point the shredded cheese was totally emulsified with the milk, therefore making it the soup consistency.
It was delicious, so I’m making note of it for future events in which I would like a bowl of broccoli cheese soup, but not a whole pot.

Hey! This Isn’t Beef Stroganoff!

You’re damn right it isn’t! This is a little something I’ve thrown together in the past, and no, it’s definitely not beef stroganoff… but it’s food.

What you’re gonna end up needing:

About a half a bag of those dry egg noodles, or those frozen Reames noodles.

A package of stew-meat, or hamburger. Whatever suits your fancy, or whatever the hell you have on hand. Around about a pound of it.

A couple of cans of whatever brand of cream of mushroom soup. The garlicky flavored Campbell’s is pretty good too.

A cup or so of milk, obviously you want a creamy texture, not a soupy watery one, so at your discretion.

What you’re gonna do:

Cook the noodles, and drain them. While they sit a bit and drain, you can brown the meat. Totally use the same pot if you really don’t want to have to wash a bunch of pans, because who really has time for that shit.

Throw those noodles right back in with the meat and add your cans of soup and milk. Stir to desired consistency, and simmer it a bit. Keep stirring intermittently so those damn noodles don’t stick to the pot, because we all know how that sucks big time!

If you wanna be fancy, you can throw some cheese on the top when you serve it. I’ve sprinkled either parmesan, an Italian blend, or mozzarella. I suppose Feta cheese would probably work too. If you wanna do a one-pot meal, you could always throw peas in there, as well.

Holy Crappuccino Muffins, Batman!

Do you like coffee? Chocolate? Muffins? HOLY SHIT! You’re in the right goddamn place.

First of all, what you’re gonna do is follow this recipe I liberated from another website, and make the appropriate additions by me, Bertie :

Betty Fuckin’ Crocker’s sweet muffin recipe:

Ingredients

2/3 cup milk

2 tablespoons vegetable oil, or butter or margarine, melted

1 Egg

2 cups Original Bisquick™ Mix

1/3 Cup Sugar

 

*** My Additions:

Couple tablespoons or so of Folger’s Crystals (you can add more if you want it more Espresso-like, experiment! That’s what makes it FUN!)

Couple handfuls, or more depending on how big your hands are – No judgment here, of semi-sweet mini chocolate chips.

Steps

• 1 Heat oven to 400°F. Spray bottoms only of 12 regular-size muffin cups with cooking spray or line with paper baking cups. In medium bowl, beat milk, oil and egg with wire whisk or fork until blended. Stir in Bisquick mix and sugar just until moistened. Fold in your Folger’s Crystals and mini chocolate chips, DON’T STIR TOO GODDAMN MUCH OR IT GETS ICKY. Spoon batter into muffin cups.

• 2 Bake 15 to 18 minutes or until golden brown.

Loco Bertie’s Taco Soup

Holy crap! My first recipe! Let’s do this shit! SHA POW!

Ok… this shit is super freakin’ easy.
What you’re gonna end up needing:

A couple of those box things of beef broth, I don’t care what brand you want to use, or make your own, but why the fuck would you want to do that when you could just buy the shit and be done with it.

A couple of cans of Ro-Tel (or whatever brand) thingies of tomatoes. I personally kinda dig the tomatoes and chilis for one can, and tomatoes and cilantro with lime flavor for the other. Whatever you want, fuck.

A couple of pounds of hamburger.

A couple of packets of taco seasoning. McCormick, Taco Bell, whatever, I don’t have to eat your soup, so if you like a different brand than what’s listed, do it.

A couple cans of beans. I personally went for a can of light kidney beans and one can of black beans.

Up to you if you want to add other shit. You like onions? Throw that shit in there. You want to spice it up? Add dashes of chili powder and red pepper powder or flakes. Maybe you dig hot sauce instead. Make it your own.

Frito corn chips and shredded mexican style cheese to throw on that shit when it’s served.

Basically, cook your meat like you’re making tacos. You can do this all in the soup pot so you don’t have to fuck around with six different goddamn pots to wash later. Brown it, add the taco seasoning.

When you’re totally satisfied with the meat browning and taco seasoning, chuck in the other things. Beef broth, Ro-Tel tomatoes, beans, etc.

Simmer the hell out of it, so all those flavors get jiggy with each other. Slap it in a bowl, throw on the Frito chips and cheese. The Frito chips will get soggy, like crackers do in chili, so don’t let it sit too long. It’s still good, dammit.